Today marks the passing of a year since my mother’s death. As this day approached, I could feel a tide of grief pulling me under. Everything came back.
The complications from surgery.
That last week in the hospital.
Begging the doctors to listen to no avail.
Getting the phone call that she was slipping away and being too far away to hold her hand.
I felt like I handled this year of “firsts” without her as well as could be expected. It has been bittersweet, to say the least, but I did my best to stay positive and find joy in remembering her. I would gladly do those “firsts” over again if I could skip just this one.
I remember a family vacation to California where my sister and I got swept up in a rip tide. No matter how hard I swam, the shore just kept getting further and further away. Exhausted the panic began to set in that I would never get out of the current. Luckily, an observant lifeguard swam to our aid that day. My experience with grief thus far has been that it ebbs and flows, sometimes I come across a bigger wave of sorrow and have to just ride it out. But this week feels different. This pain feels bigger stronger like that riptide, and I don’t see a lifeguard. So I let myself mope. I let myself cry. A lot.
The crying just gave me a massive headache, and the moping wasn’t making me feel any better either so I decided to be my own lifeguard. Today I had a nice long cry then I washed my face turned on some tunes and started making my mom’s peanut butter rice Krispies treat. I thought of the marshmallow wars with PVC pipe guns. I remembered riding horses in the sand dunes. I giggled at the memory of her driving us to doorbell ditch houses and then pranking us by pulling off in the getaway car before we could climb back in. Then I went out and dropped off all of the rice Krispies to friends, neighbors, and some strangers.
My heart is still heavy but making her favorite treat pulled me out of the riptide of grief that had sucked me in this week and helped me to realize that wallowing in my grief isn’t honoring her, it is honoring her death. She would want me to celebrate her life by continuing to live mine while smiling at the memories she helped me create.
Momma's Rice Krispies Treat
Yield 15 Bars
Delicious peanut butter flavored rice krispies bars with a butterscotch chocolate topping.
Rice Krispies Bars:
- 1 C. Sugar
- 1 C. Karo Syrup
- 1 C. Peanut Butter
- 5 C. Rice Krispies
- 1 C. Butterscotch Chips
- 1 C. Milk Chocolate Chips
Rice Krispies Bars:
Combine karo syrup and sugar in sauce pan over low heat, stirring frequently. Just before boiling point, remove from heat and stir in peanut butter. Fold mixture into rice krispies until coated. Lightly press into a 9x13 glass baking dish.
Microwave butterscotch and chocolate chips in 30-second increments. Spread evenly over rice krispies. Let the chocolate set for one hour before cutting.